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Building a Bloody Website

Updated: Jul 18, 2019

A hypothetical person might liken building a bloody website to an equally made up individual’s attempts to self-supply Cannabis. This, let’s make her a woman, has smoked a fair amount of Weed over the fantastic years and her speculative fingers have become quite adept at making Js. The conjectured figure also knows the difference between Skunk and Natural Grass, Hash and dried, and has not a little expertise on such nuances.

It’s entirely plausible, in the interests of giving depth to a character, that such a creation could have lost touch with the people who supplied her desire. Then this, say middle-aged, metaphor has grown a few of the other sorts of Herb in the past. So she reads a couple of How to guides on growing Marijuana and buys half a dozen seeds online.

Then, after months of planting and watering and watching and waiting and drying and stinking up the house without the right equipment she ends up with one hypothetical jam-jar full of metaphorical mouldy leaves. It presumably gets her high enough, but it tastes a bit funny and she finds herself thinking quite a lot about spores. Spores.

Speculation can only take you so far however, at some point you have to get real and actually do something, not grow Pot of course, that would be really illegal, and actually wrong except for medicinal purposes.

I thought it would be easy to build a website; one of my jobs involved updating them, that is really easy. You upload pictures into some boxes and write in others and hey presto, new content. I had been thinking about doing it for a while, browsed a few Build Your Own type companies and found the right one for me.

I thought it would take me a few hours and wanted to get on with writing so at Seven-Forty AM, I pressed the Let’s Get Started button and was launched into Websitebuildingland. At Six-Fifty-Five that evening I was hungry, thirsty, needed a fag and had three more email addresses than I woke up with. Things had been popping up and disappearing on my screen all day so I pulled myself out and made the supper. I am a quick learner however, and the next day I crossed back into that foreign place after I had done a thousand words of prose.

It’s like when I went to America and said rather loudly that I had left my fags in the bedroom. Here are some of the words and phrases that mean something else in Websitebuildingland; Strip, Banner, Step-by-Step, Transition, Background, Setting and Theme, they all have specific definitions there. And SEO, does that stand for Strange Endless Ordeal? I think so.

I have learned that the trick is to just leave Websitebuildingland to the nerds and get on with my life. And I do have a site that doesn’t look too bad. Given that very few people know that it exists, when I lost the title, then the first page and the background went funny, I am pretty sure no-one saw.

But I do wish I hadn’t messed up with that proper agent.

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